It was brought to my attention that I should start clearing my thoughts through journaling, writing in a diary or through prayer, meditation or somewhere along those lines. Hopefully this will help my mental fog and struggle with depression.
Running has and always will be a form of mediation for me, but with a 100k on the horizon, the weight of training and staying focused throughout and NOT letting the little things that are out of my control affect me starts to become more of a daunting task than I originally thought. I start to get discouraged, wondering if I'm on the right path (figuratively speaking). Eventually I fight with myself, trying to keep going forward.
There's not a day that goes by that I don't think about quitting and giving up, but that's part of the journey, right?
Am I good enough? Am I a good person, father, dad, friend? Sure, I've come a long way and I'm constantly improving refocusing my energy and evolving into the person I want to be. But I still harbour guilt, sadness, frustration and so many other negative emotions that only hinder my success. I've used this analogy many times over, "holding onto stress, anger and frustration is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die." I really need to live the advice I give, it's so true.
My mileage should be increasing, instead I'm trying find ways to get out of bed and go run. It's not easy, not at all. Today, I napped quite a bit when I could have gone for a run or to the gym. I do love going to the gym and working on some conditioning/endurance stuff.
Thursday, I plan on doing 36 miles, weather permitting. And usually I run without music, but I'm bringing headphones just to break up the loneliness that you experience from being out there for so long. Thankfully, my buddy Erick will be out there for a good portion of it.
I think I need this long run to accomplish something and sweat out all of this negative energy. I'm not giving up, even if I want to. I need this cleansing run.