Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Training Diary: 9/23/14 "Unplugged"

Lying awake in bed, fiddling with my phone, browsing the internet or whatever else I was doing. Basically procrastinating the simple tasks in life such as laundry. Yeah, with no clean running clothes or gym clothes I was able to talk myself out of a much needed session whether it be running or sweating it out at the gym. Either way, a decision had to be made.

I thought to myself "what am I looking for?" Answers, right? Well I'm not going to get them looking on social media, filtering through the nonsense, looking at randomness and time killers. Advice is so readily available on the web, but it takes away from the one thing I feel I need, human contact. Now I know myself and I know that I have an addictive personality so I easily get consumed by what's going on in everyone's life and forget to focus on those close to me and most importantly, I lose focus of my own life.

It's time to live, it's time to get up and quit feeling sorry for myself, wallowing in self pity. It's time to put on my shoes and keep moving forward, focus on improving and learning all over again. I'm strong and sure I've contemplated giving up many times over, but what picture would that paint to my children? So no, I won't give up.

Deleting Facebook, however temporary it turns out to be, is so gratifying. I feel it'll give me the time to really hunker down and get through this hole filled with depression. I want to be able to stand in a room full of people and NOT feel alone. I WILL achieve great things, but first, I need to practice patience and go back to my roots and that's family, friendship, loyalty, love. 

Here's the funny thing about depression and loneliness. For myself, I hide within myself, pulling in and putting up a gated self defence system up, thus pushing everyone and everything I crave away. So the cycle repeats itself and grows stronger and stronger and eventually the feeling of despair consumes me. That rain cloud over my head, I want to dance in that rain, not shy away from it. Keep in mind I live in Arizona so rain is very welcoming.

You'll hear coaches, sports personalities and motivational speakers say the phrase "giving up is not an option." It's a lie. Giving up has and always will be an option. I choose to keep going, no matter what.

On that note, I want to send out a sincere apology to anyone I've pushed away in the recent days gone by. I'm sorry, I don't have any excuses. I love you all and I owe you all so much for being there for me.