Sunday, November 2, 2014

This Is All I Have

The title to this post has very little to do with what the text. But for some reason, those words found a way into my head and I needed to get them out in some form of writing.

The actual quote from Bill And Ted's is escaping me, but it goes a little something like this: "there's no place I'd rather be than right here, right now." Let that sink in a bit.

I find myself looking to the future or thinking about the past that I'll often forget to live in the present time which is hindering my growth as a person. And after my last few days, I'm awakening to the bigger picture. I'm seeing things in a much different light then before, appreciating things people and situations. That's not to say I didn't appreciate those things before, but I am starting to fully understand turn of events and so on. No one wants to endure suffering, but it's necessary to go through pain the way I did.

And without getting into personal details, I feel the need to share something with everyone. Now, I'm not one to air dirty laundry on the internet so my story may be a little vague. Stay with me, it'll all make sense in the end.

I was married close to 10 years. My ex and I tried and tried, but we eventually came to realize that we weren't meant to be together. Communication was broken so the way we separated wasn't the way either of us intended, but it happened the way it did. It was something I  have been asking for ,for years in my head but never did I expect it to go down the way I did. Part of me thought that being miserable was the way it was supposed to be so I accepted my marriage to be far from perfect. No one is to blame, we just weren't right for each other in that way.

I have always been faithful, honest, loving, caring so it hurt really bad when I learned the truth. But it was a blessing because now she's happy. See, a lot of people forget that everyone deserves to be happy and that you can't love someone who broke your trust. Here is my take. I will always love my ex, she's the mother of my two wonderful children and was a huge part of my life and my journey. It took me a long time to realize this and to understand it's ok to love someone and not be in love with them. Follow me? Anyways, I've wanted nothing more than for her to be happy and I'm glad she is.

The bigger picture though, through the hurt and confusion my ex and I have given everything we have to the best interests of our children or at least the best that we can give given the circumstances. They are now in a situation where two people love each other instead of two people who didn't talk. I have come to understand where they live around love is much more beneficial than non communication and miserable attitudes. This is not to say I don't miss my kids, I miss them every single second of every single day, but I have faith they are treated with the best love they can be given. My ex and her significant other are wonderful parents and though he may be the man in the house, he is not their dad, but he protects them and cares for them like any father should. I'm still dad, I still play a huge roll in their lives. It hasn't been and isn't easy all the time to accept and understand, but when I'm thinking clearly like this, I see the big picture.

My children are very blessed to have two parents like their mom and myself who tried to make things work, but aren't together anymore.... Sorry for the choppy sentence.....I feel like we get along better now and communicate better now that we aren't together.

During a drop off and pick up with the kids, we all witnessed another divorced couple doing their drop off. While holding their daughter, both parents were swearing at each other, cursing and calling names. The child was probably confused and sees that. That child loves both parents and will have years and years of confusion based on interactions like that. I get it, you're mad at each other and I'm no saint, but it's not the children's fault that you two don't feel good about each other. Leave the child out of your bickering. Be adults.

After that, I messaged my ex saying "I'm happy we aren't like that." Like I said before, there was anger and frustration, but we've always had our children's best interests at heart. We have learned how to talk to each other and I've learned to care and love someone through forgiveness. I forgave because I understood. It wasn't easy getting up and leaving my children behind and I still question of I made the best choice, but I truly believe I did. And I didn't leave my children or abandon them, I moved out of an unhealthy situation and I worked my ass off to provide a way better healthier life for the two of them. I'm learning to be the best dad I can ever be.

This journey I've been on has been rocky, treacherous and very difficult. But it was necessary. I've been blessed with meeting some wonderful people that are truly inspiring and motivating, kind and loving. I've discovered running and triathlon and that community alone has welcomed me as part of the family. Coach Frank has been like a father figure to me and one of the kindest people I've ever met and I wouldn't have been introduced to the S3 family without knowing my dear friend Mary. Meeting Charles and him inviting me to the men's group/bible study group and meeting some very helpful and kind friends there has been a godsend. Posting an add or what have you for wanting a real bed and learning more about my buddy Bill and how much in common we share. Tricia and Jeffrey and needing that friendship we all have, I'm so blessed. Tabitha and Carl are some of the most kind genuine people one could ever know. Just running with him has taught me so much about who i am. The list goes on forever and ever, but know that without the hell I feel I've endured, I wouldn't have these amazing people in my life. It's necessary that I was to go through what I did. I'm very blessed to have you all in my life, thank you.

You've heard me talk about family and the importance family plays in your journey. And though my children are my only bod l blood here in Arizona, the family I have here that aren't blood are the best family I could ever ask for. I have so much love for everyone that has help lift me up when I was at my lowest point. Thank you got listening to be when I need an ear, thank you for pushing me and teaching me to continue on when I wanted to give up. I am humble, thankful, blessed.

With tears in my eyes, flowing down my face, the immortal words from H2O come to mind. "My friends look out for me like family"