Wednesday, September 16, 2015

Passed Over

I've made many choices in life that have caused unnecessary stress levels that seem to only fester and make decision making that much harder. Waking up with a positive attitude towards the day is increasingly getting more difficult. There's no one to blame, but myself. These choices I've made, every one of them, have a response. Some are positive and some are negative, but every single one of them affect how my day and journey through life is going to go. We are all in a pursuit of happiness, so why make the trip harder than it has to be? I have a hard time not shaking my head at the choices I've made. Looking back, there are situations that I can look at that I just don't understand why I fucked that up or how I fucked that up. I've hurt people without even knowing I have, passed up on opportunities because I was afraid of the outcome. The unknown is a scary thing to think about, but I feel as if disappointing my piers or loved ones is what scares me the most. There's a saying, "try your hardest and if you still fail, at least you gave it your all." Ok, I understand that, but what I read is "you're not good enough." This struggle is something that is brutally real. Yeah, sometimes you're best isn't good enough, but man, there has to be a way to forge through this shit and make it good enough. I don't know, evolve into something greater than before. Life is about situations, there are no regrets, there are only chances to learn. I want to learn how to be great, how to improve, how to live a happy life, but I seem to truly pretend most of the time. God, I'm so sick of pretending. Here's the truth.....My passion for running has helped me greatly. As depressed as I am, I still have more confidence than I did even a week ago. I still don't feel as if I'm worth much, but I feel better than I did before. I feel like a failure, but I still feel "good" sometimes. It's a love hate relationship that I have with running. It's something I do that forces me to go head to head with my "demons" so to speak. Imagine being out in the middle of nowhere with barely any water or nutrition with 10+ miles in either direction and you're miserable, you want to give up. You have a choice, either lie down and let yourself wither away and be forgotten or muster up and little bit of courage and forge on to your destination. And here's a kicker, GIVING UP IS ALWAYS AN OPTION! When someone says "giving up is not an option," I laugh. Somehow, being out in that situation gives me this feeling like "I don't want to die, right now. I'm not ready to give up." It scares me into survival mode and I'm forced to move. Running gives me strength that I didn't know I had. Without running, I don't think I'd be here today. I've fucked up many times over, but I'm not going to give up faith that it won't rain forever. I need to continue to lace up and give it my all. I need to find that courage, and confidence to push through and find my happiness. I know my time will come, just a few more miles and I'll be there. One foot in front of the other, head down and remember to smile in the face of depression. Here I sit, with a shirt that reads "Smile You're Alive" as a reminder that no matter how hard life can get, I'm alive and that's something to smile about.

Sunday, September 6, 2015

Opening The Door To The Unknown

Coach Frank once told me a story of waking up in the morning which sticks out in my head. Ps I really miss him, and I really need to stay in contact with him. He told me of waking up and going out to grab coffee. He moans and says "today is going to be a long day," or something along those lines. His wife then basically says "try again." Meaning, go back to bed, get out and of bed and start your day over with a more positive attitude. Now my description is a little vague, but you can understand where I'm going with this. Anyone can wake up and assume the day is going to be hard, painful or miserable and sure enough, with that attitude it will likely be all of those things. Instead, we should be waking up and starting our days off with a positive outlook, manifesting a good day. There are situations in life that happen and are out of our control, so we need to do whatever we can to control the environment around us to some extent. There's nothing that bothers me more than negative attitudes so when I find myself in a funk, I allow myself to become even more miserable because I'm focusing on the negative. It's very easy to do. I believe we are wired to focus on negative, so t takes a certain amount of dedication and "Goonies Never Say Die" attitude when keeping our chins up during those hard times. Say you had a rough day. The following day is a new chance, an opportunity to start over so why don't we start it off in a positive light? "Today is going to be awesome," or something less cliche. Point is, we need to truly focus more on positive thoughts rather than dwelling on everything bad in our lives. There is a lot of horrible things that we witness on a daily basis, but the world is still a beautiful place and our lives are so important. We shouldn't be wasting our time on earth. We should be out there living with smiles on our faces. We can endure and overcome adversity, we will  succeed and truly live. Now that my rant is over, I plan on being outside, absorbing whatever it is life decides to throw my way. It's time we all submit to life's journey. 

Saturday, September 5, 2015

The Storm Is Coming

Sleep? What is that?! I seriously have a hard time trying to remember the last time I had solid sleep. The lack of sleep I believe angers my thought process and has me focusing on everything I don't have. 

Re-reading posts from the past, I remember how important blogging was/is to help not only my memory, but my ADHD as well. It gets all of my thoughts out into a format that I can read and look over. It's a lot better than the alternative which is going back on my medication to combat my ever scattered brain. Funny thing is though, running helps big time, but the lack of sleep has me making up excuses why I don't or shouldn't run. It's sad. 

Here I sit, drinking liquid courage(coffee), trying to motivate myself to get off of my ass and go for a long run. Hopefully it helps. But I still sit, staring at this screen trying to move.... It's a vicious cycle.