Wednesday, September 16, 2015
I've made many choices in life that have caused unnecessary stress levels that seem to only fester and make decision making that much harder. Waking up with a positive attitude towards the day is increasingly getting more difficult. There's no one to blame, but myself. These choices I've made, every one of them, have a response. Some are positive and some are negative, but every single one of them affect how my day and journey through life is going to go. We are all in a pursuit of happiness, so why make the trip harder than it has to be? I have a hard time not shaking my head at the choices I've made. Looking back, there are situations that I can look at that I just don't understand why I fucked that up or how I fucked that up. I've hurt people without even knowing I have, passed up on opportunities because I was afraid of the outcome. The unknown is a scary thing to think about, but I feel as if disappointing my piers or loved ones is what scares me the most. There's a saying, "try your hardest and if you still fail, at least you gave it your all." Ok, I understand that, but what I read is "you're not good enough." This struggle is something that is brutally real. Yeah, sometimes you're best isn't good enough, but man, there has to be a way to forge through this shit and make it good enough. I don't know, evolve into something greater than before. Life is about situations, there are no regrets, there are only chances to learn. I want to learn how to be great, how to improve, how to live a happy life, but I seem to truly pretend most of the time. God, I'm so sick of pretending. Here's the truth.....My passion for running has helped me greatly. As depressed as I am, I still have more confidence than I did even a week ago. I still don't feel as if I'm worth much, but I feel better than I did before. I feel like a failure, but I still feel "good" sometimes. It's a love hate relationship that I have with running. It's something I do that forces me to go head to head with my "demons" so to speak. Imagine being out in the middle of nowhere with barely any water or nutrition with 10+ miles in either direction and you're miserable, you want to give up. You have a choice, either lie down and let yourself wither away and be forgotten or muster up and little bit of courage and forge on to your destination. And here's a kicker, GIVING UP IS ALWAYS AN OPTION! When someone says "giving up is not an option," I laugh. Somehow, being out in that situation gives me this feeling like "I don't want to die, right now. I'm not ready to give up." It scares me into survival mode and I'm forced to move. Running gives me strength that I didn't know I had. Without running, I don't think I'd be here today. I've fucked up many times over, but I'm not going to give up faith that it won't rain forever. I need to continue to lace up and give it my all. I need to find that courage, and confidence to push through and find my happiness. I know my time will come, just a few more miles and I'll be there. One foot in front of the other, head down and remember to smile in the face of depression. Here I sit, with a shirt that reads "Smile You're Alive" as a reminder that no matter how hard life can get, I'm alive and that's something to smile about.