Saturday, October 17, 2015

Breaking Point

Never for a million years did I ever think I would feel the way I did a few days ago. 

For the past few months, I've become increasingly more reclusive, rarely venturing out into the world. Outside of going to work, I would sit in my room, consumed by my depression, staring at a blank white wall. The time spent hyper focusing on the negative aspects in my life grew and grew and grew. My appetite and desire to be around anyone fled my body. For a few days straight, I consumed little outside of coffee and or water. Not only did this add to my feelings of being stuck, it also made sleep near impossible. All I wanted was for everything to end, to stop feeling for just one single second. 

After 2 days straight of no eating and no sleeping at around 2am, I started getting extremely scared. I had been in tears for the good portion of the day for what felt like no reason at all. Maybe it was a panic attack or maybe it was the culmination of working odd hours and missing my kids. Truthfully, I don't know what set me off, but I finally had enough and I finally realized I had a problem. I was depressed. And I'm not talking "my team didn't win, I'm depressed," I knew then and there I was battling depression and I didn't know how to get out of it. I felt stuck, scared and vulnerable. This is when I decided to reach out and ask for help. 

The scary thing for me is actually allowing people to help me. That involves letting down my guard and letting people in, trusting them with everything. People caring about me isn't something in normally used to, but it's something that's real. I want to trust people, and I want people to care about me, it's just s so alien to me. 

I took a long hiatus from social media, I still try to limit myself from Facebook or anything in that realm. But I took to the social media and asked for help. And the amount of love and support I received was tremendous. It humbled me and brought me to my knees. I never thought I'd have to beg for my life, but I felt like I needed to because I was scared for how consuming the depression was. 

I've been given a ton of numbers from people and names of doctors. I've made a call, which is a huge step for me if you know me. I plan on making more calls and seeing doctors and counselors, talking to people who can help give me the tools to overcome this sickness. I don't want to few this way anymore. I don't want to live in a room, stuck in a bed, staring at the wall. I want to live, smile, appreciate life. And though this has lasted for for relatively a short period of time, it feels like forever. But I know that it won't rain forever. Holding onto faith is crucial here. So please, send me help, words of advice, tips and share your stories with me. Force me out of bed, I don't think I can do this alone. I need help.