Wednesday, July 1, 2015

Coming Clean

Last nights sky was something else. The mountains looked as if they were ablaze as the sun set, causing the clouds to turn into a fiery orange. Lightning was phenomenal giving us such a spectacular show. From the office at work, I was staring out, dreaming of running those trails and being up at the TV towers where a little bit of blue sky was peaking through. Then it dawned to me, this was mother natures gift to all of us. So I thanked life, God, Mother Nature and that in its own opened up a flood gate of emotions. It made me feel like I needed to come clean with myself.  And that's where this post begins.....

For the last few months, I've been struggling really hard with my convictions and committing myself 100% to my journey through life. I haven't been true to the lifestyle I've found works best for me. To say the least, I've been confused and depressed. I start experimenting with cheese and other forms of food I wouldn't normally consume. Now to most of you reading this, that doesn't seem like much but to me, it makes my depression even worse as I feel guilty and horrible with every bit I put in my mouth. It doesn't feel good and I can feel the pain sort of like a person with lung cancer who isn't able to stop smoking. Feels like needles and I just have he hardest time stopping. I've been distant, overwhelmed with stress, unhappy with my life as a whole. I hide it well, and I don't want people to worry about me so I put on a smile and pretend everything is ok, but it's not. About the only thing that keeps me afloat is the idea that I get to see my kids here and there, but the infrequent amount of time I get to see them is what I feel is likely a good chunk of what makes me feel so down. Now I'm not trying to make excuses for feeling down and lying to myself about how I eat, but I really am lost. I pray every day, I find spiritual solitude while I'm out in nature running, and yet I still feel tired and worn down and depressed most of the time. Thankfully I have insurance now and I plan on speaking with someone to possibly get me help. I'll be honest, I don't feel this needs any chemicals to help me, I feel talking to someone who can ask the right questions and give me tools to help overcome this feeling or these feelings. Running helps more than people may know, but most of the days I don't even want to go out running. I just want to sleep and eat crappy food. I'm gaining weight again, and I don't want to go back to how I looked before. This is why I've been so emotionally drained. I'm tired of feeling this way. I want to be happy with me with who I am. I want my kids to look at me and be proud of me. I want to be the best dad I could ever be. And yes, I will be these things, I will continue to run and remain positive. I'll give it my all. I don't ever want to stop running as its brought me so much joy and introduced me to so many people who've become extended family. I want everyone to low I love you and thank you again for believing me and helping me stand back up. I apologize for being so distant and or not being upfront with my feelings. I'm not used to people wanting to help and I am not used to needing to ask for help. I've been humbled and it's taking time to get used to. I won't let anyone down. Love you guys.