Friday, August 21, 2015

When It Hits Me, It Hits Hard

For some reason, depressed states hit me rather hard, often migraine inducing. Stress being my trigger for those rather hellish headaches, and I can tell you stress has been at its all time high as of late. First, being apart from my children doesn't help, add in financial instability and it's a melting pot of stress waiting to boil over. I slept upwards of 13 hours the other day, not ingesting anything substantial, not even water. My fluid intake for the past few days has been next to nothing and my energy levels have been next to nothing. My mood is on he decline and I know the one thing that'll be my magical cure to all of this "funk" is running. Yet, that's the last thing I want to do. I'm being humbled and for what? I'd rather sit in a dark room with a fan on, sleeping away the day than be outside, living. Why? For anyone who has ever experienced a fit of depression, you'll know what I'm talking about. No, I don't think it's a chemical imbalance so I don't think medication is the answer. It's like someone being addicted to a substance, you have to want to change. I don't know if I'm making much sense. If you think I want to feel this way, well then you're mistaken. This feeling is horrible, it's like nothing matters really. Lacing up my shoes and heading out to the trail is my medication, so why is it so damn hard to do? I've worked way to hard to give up now. I don't quit, I don't give up, Goonies never say die. I just want to smile, to feel something other than this numbing pai. I want to feel something other than being lost within my own mind. I'm tired of spending hours staring at the wall. I'm miserable and I know I'm the only one that's going to pick myself up and go fix it. It's so easy to sit there and dwell on what you don't have. There's so many good things in my life and plenty of people who genuinely care about me. I get to see my kids this weekend and that's going to help. A few weeks ago, my daughter says "don't worry, you'll always be my dad." I need to remember those words. That's going to help me remember why I keep going, constantly improving and evolving the person I am today. I want to be the best possible version of who I am for the sake of my children. They mean the world to me. And I need to remember, it won't rain forever.