Everything happens for a reason. There's a plan for all of this, everything going on in your life at any given moment. As confusing as it can be, things happen and maybe it's time we stop trying to decipher the reason.
A revelation of sorts happened yesterday.
For a while, I've struggled with maintaining consistency when it came to my craft, the run. I'll run on my days off, and perhaps jog early in the morning after sending the kids off to school. There hasn't been much running outside that. And the runs I do on my day off are way below my capability, but I struggle to complete them. The only thing I can think of is my level of commitment to my craft.
With running, comes sacrifice both physical and emotional. There are some things I refuse to sacrifice and other things that come easy. Also, I find some things to be a bit of a struggle. There must be a sense of balance and I believe I've found the answer.
First off, family time is one thing I will never sacrifice as that time I get to spend with the wife and kids is something special. I hope that the kids will grow up with pleasant memories of me being around instead of running which could be construed in a negative way by those who don't understand what running does to me. Luckily, I have full support from my wife who not only supports me running, but also encourages me to do it by helping push me.
Part of my struggle has been why Why do I run? Well, I feel I have explained that in depth many times over, but maybe I'm looking at why in the wrong way. Let us look at my accomplishments. I've attempted many ultras and finished only a handful of them. In failing to reach the finish line in some of those, I have still been able to cover quite a bit of distance. Distances that others cringe at, viewing this activity as a sadistic way to torture myself. Those distances, maybe I look at them in a hey I've already done them so I don't have to do it againsort of way. Maybe, since I'm no longer chasing the 100k distance, I feel I don't need to try. What about the 100 mile? What about Badwater 135? All are undeniably hard accomplishments that take a dedication to another level, but maybe I need to look at the deeper meaning here.
I'm not chasing the trophy. The accomplishment is enough of a trophy, medal or belt buckle. But maybe I need a race or two so that I can truly enter those levels of mental fatigue that comes with the sacrifice of training. A goal of sorts, an end game.
Running has and always will be a struggle to maintain balance and consistency. To continue to run even after experiencing lows that come with self doubt, discouragement that is the result of failing to reach your potential, is a feat that can not be explained. Why do I continue to do something so painful? I don't think there's a solid answer to that. To be honest, I think it's a search, a journey, an adventure of self discover and to find meaning in life. Running has been and always will be a spiritual thing, but I'm starting to understand why others race.
Everything happens for a reason and it's time I stop trying to figure out the meaning behind every little thing. I believe it's God's way of communicating to me and it's not up to me to know why this is happening, but to entrust God to take care of me. I need to give blind faith that those little annoying things that happen have a reason behind them and that reason isn't for me to know at this given moment. Looking back at those little things that have happened to me(not receiving my ATM card has sent me to new levels of frustrated), I realize or perhaps have connected them to not running enough. I have faith that since I haven't been outside as much as I should be that I'm in a way starting to lose touch with God. The trails are my church, running in a way is my religion. And I need to get back to my spiritual ways and really give my life to what I believe. This doesn't mean ignoring things that happen in life, but it does mean to take care of myself.
Running gives me peace, serenity, gives me a sense of purpose. Running helps me make sense of life and helps me be a more compassionate person towards all living things. I am thankful for experiencing everything life throws at me and though I am weakened spiritually when I am not running, I know that God will always be there for me. It's time that I stop giving in to the temptations and run with my heart and soul. My buddy Ben once posted "If you're tired of starting over, stop quitting."
My posts are often going to sound redundant. I may repeat myself over the course of several posts, but I think they're just reminders to myself why I run. This blog I run is more of a journal, but also serves as a way to communicate to others that may share the same feelings or thoughts as myself.